i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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