You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
