I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
