Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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