North Korea, Best Korea!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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