not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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