please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
