Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
