Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
