Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
