Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
