I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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