what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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