Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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