he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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