well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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