remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
