I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
