Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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