My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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