I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
