Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
