Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
