Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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