Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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