Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
