Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
