I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
