Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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