A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
