Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
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I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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