did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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