I wish I could teleport
I faked an abortion last night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
