i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
His nipple licking is glorious
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
