Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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