Pants 0. Shit 1.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
