I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
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Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
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Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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