so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
