So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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