May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
