It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
