some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Pants are for mortals
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
