i was born a porn star she said
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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