One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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