You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
