you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i out mim tonsoeep
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
