i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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