I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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