if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
