Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
