in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
