Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Welp...herpes.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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