I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
