I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
