I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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