so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
